


Ghost

by Voiid_Vagabond (Saturn_the_Almighty)



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Dear Listeners (mentioned), Delayed Reaction, Fix-It, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, He deserves one good hug, He needs to stop bottling up his feelings, Jacobi needs to cry, M/M, Mood Swings, Post-Canon, Seriously Jacobi needs a hug, Shock, Spoilers, Texting, Trans Daniel Jacobi (Mentioned), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, lots of headcanons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-04 07:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14587680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saturn_the_Almighty/pseuds/Voiid_Vagabond
Summary: Warren Kepler is dead, right?





	1. Alexandrite

**Author's Note:**

> I finally did a Wolf fic! It's been a long time coming and I wrote this in an hour at three a.m. There is minimal editing and shit, so whatever. I'm gonna update this for a bit and when it's done I've got some more shitty Kepcobi coming' atcha!
> 
> Okay look. The ending had me shook and I still can't cope with my number one evil boy Kepler being dead. So he's not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandrite: The color of a gemstone. The color of a painful memory. A reminder of what has been lost.

Jacobi didn't want to see his mom.

She was a great person, sure, and a great mom. They got along well enough, he knew she loved him even though he technically couldn't tell her anything about what he'd been doing for the past- how long had it actually been since Kepler recruited him? Five years? Ten? To be honest, he had lost count. It didn't really matter now, did it?

Jacobi sat outside a hole-in-the-wall café on a flimsy patio chair and looked across the tiny, round table at his mother. She was great. But she wanted to know everything. And 'everything' included Maxwell. 'Everything' included Kepler. Jacobi didn't want to talk about Kepler. If he did, he'd break down sobbing again or kick the table halfway across the street or, heaven forbid, acknowledge the fact that his connection to his former commanding officer ran deeper than he'd ever admit.

That connection was one-sided, of course. Kepler never really cared for Jacobi the same way he did and Jacobi knew it. They worked well together, they were comfortable enough with each other to keep up a healthy amount of playful banter and Jacobi would do almost anything if Kepler told him to. That was the problem.

Kepler had told him never to reveal anything about SI-5 to anyone. Specifically, he had told him in a low, dangerous tone while twisting one arm behind his back and pressing the side of his face quite painfully against the cold metal wall of his lab. That had been the one and only time Jacobi had tried to call his mother.

Now, he sat outside in the spring air and frowned to himself. He was at war with his common sense and his twisted idealism. On one hand, he shouldn't lie to his mother. She gave birth to him. On the other hand, some tiny part of Daniel Jacobi said 'don't disobey a direct order from Kepler!' Jacobi took a huge sip of his iced coffee and squashed that tiny part.

Warren Kepler was _dead_. Gone. Flushed out an airlock and frozen in the cold, unforgiving void. There's no coming back from that.

Logically, that meant that Jacobi was free to disclose any information he wanted. He wasn't part of SI-5 anymore, that division didn't even exist now that a certain badass space commander and her equally badass captain tore down the evil foundation of Goddard Futuristics and built it back up to become what it should have been.

It was at that moment that Jacobi realized his internal monologue had gone on long enough and his mom was waiting for an answer. 'Fuck it, tell her everything,' all of Jacobi shouted.

"Mom," Jacobi started. He took his hands off the tabletop and messed with his shirt for two seconds too long. "I've been- I've been up to some things," he finished lamely. His mom tilted her head innocently and sat patiently, waiting for him to get on with it. That was her best quality. Infinite patience. She would sit for hours and listen to him ramble on about his silly problems.

"First, I got recruited to be part of this top-secret team of-" what could he even call SI-5? "Kind of like secret agents. We did a lot of breaking and entering, and I'm not going to lie, I killed a lot of people. With guns and with explosives." His mom pursed her lips disapprovingly but stayed quiet.

 "And then I went to space. Was sent there with my team to investigate possible alien life. Turns out, aliens are real! Surprise!" Jazz hands. Jacobi took a breath and continued before he chickened out. "Things got complicated. My best friend died, my boss' boss and his scary partner showed up on the station we were on and me and the original crew all tried to leave." He wanted to stop there. He really, really did. But his mouth wouldn't let him.

"My commanding officer died too. He got jettisoned out an airlock." Jacobi's voice was shaking. Stupid voice. "I never got to say goodbye. I thought he'd make it out alive. Hell, I narrowly avoided death myself!" He was shouting now. His mom reached out and grabbed his hands. "I nearly blew myself up and he couldn't stay alive!" Jacobi was fuming now. Few things could calm him down. Maxwell could. His mom could, she was trying to.

Kepler could.

Kepler would either laugh at him, a huge laugh made for show, or he would send Jacobi a look that would gut him of all the air he had. Two equally unhealthy but effective ways to stop him from blowing something up. Ah, what Jacobi wouldn't give to see that stare, those piercing green eyes boring straight into his soul.

His mom got up from her chair and rushed to his side, covering his shaking hands with hers and talking to him in hushed tones. "Oh, Daniel, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." What did she have to be sorry for? Was any of it her fault? Why couldn't he stop shaking?

* * *

 

 

Six Years Ago

Somewhere In Oregon

The Middle Of The Night

_"Do you want to play a game?" Kepler asked, looking away from the winding road and over at Jacobi in the passenger seat, who was desperately trying to untangle his old, ratty earbuds. The second his words came out, Jacobi's expression turned sour._

_"What kind of game, sir?" masking the annoyance in his voice with a bored filter. He wanted to listen to music and watch the forest pass by. He might fall asleep if he didn't and that would really piss Kepler off. But, if he wanted to play Questions Only, then that's what Jacobi would do. If he won, he'd get a subtle congratulations. If he lost, Kepler would be able to get through the rest of the night and not drive them into a tree._

_So Jacobi put away his phone and watched a small smile creep across Kepler's face. "Don't you know?" he asked, the telltale teasing tone in his voice that Jacobi lived for. Wished that he_ didn't _live for. Jacobi sighed a long, breathy sigh and tried to hide his own smile. It was dark out, Kepler probably couldn't see his smile anyway._

_"Is it the only game you seem to be capable of playing, sir?" Jacobi asked, tacking on the 'sir' like a meaningless garnish, a sprig of Parsley. Jacobi didn't like Parsley. Kepler adored it._

_Kepler readjusted his grip on the steering wheel and tilted his head. "Are you sure you're thinking of the right one, Jacobi?" he asked. Jacobi wanted to punch him. Kepler was in one of_ those _moods. Where he just messed with Jacobi because he could._

_"Is it Questions Only, sir?" Jacobi snapped. He winced at his own voice. He hadn't meant to sound so angry. Kepler didn't really seem to notice. Or rather, he didn't care. "Aren't you a clever boy?" Kepler said. That was his favorite phrase for giving Jacobi false praise._

_"I can't stand you," Jacobi said quietly. He was really just voicing his thoughts. It was inadvertent, but it cost him the game. Kepler grinned, wide and predatory. A pause. He raised his eyebrows at Jacobi. Shit._

_"Was that a question, Mr. Jacobi?" Kepler asked, still wearing that grin. The one that wrinkled his forest-green eyes and showed that frustratingly adorable tooth gap. Jacobi huffed angrily. "Screw you," he muttered. Kepler started giggling._

_"Is that an option?" Kepler asked, laughter chopping up his words. Jacobi could see his shoulders shaking. "No!" Jacobi shouted, his face heating up. He dug his phone back out of his pocket and desperately tried to drown out Kepler's deep laughter with Britney Spears._

* * *

 

Jacobi's mom out her hands on his shoulders to steady him, mentally and physically. "Daniel. Calm down. I know you've been through a lot. I had no idea you'd been to space! Was it as pretty as they say?" she asked. Yes. Yes, it was. It was breathtaking, it was enormous, it was crushing and freeing and he loved every second of it because his quarters had a window next to his bed and he got a great view of the stars.

"Yes. Then it got repetitive," Jacobi said with a flat tone.

Jacobi told his mom about Alana, the best friend he'd ever had. I was easier to talk about her and he didn't like that it was. He told her about his missions. The silly ones, just him and Kepler camping in the woods, all three of them crammed in a tiny car driving cross-country because Cutter wanted to fuck with them, the fake stakeout for his one year anniversary. BASE jumping for his fifth.

But he never once mentioned him by name. Never formed the syllables to utter the words 'Warren Kepler' because he hated how much it hurt. It turned out Jacobi could stand to talk about him if he didn't mention him by name. He tricked himself into thinking he was talking about someone else. He managed to sit through two hours of filling his mom in before she caught on and asked him. "What's his name?"

Jacobi froze. "I- huh?" he asked, trying to sound causal as he swirled the ice around in his glass, avoiding his mother's gaze. "What's his name?1" she asked again, exasperated. "The name of this commanding officer you're talking so much about." Jacobi sighed, but it came out as more of a whine. "His name wassssss nope, can't remember! It was over six months ago, how do you expect me to re-" Jacobi's mom set her glass down hard enough to make the table shudder.

"Daniel. Is he important to you?" she asked. Damn mothers and their innate knowledge of what's wrong with their kids. Jacobi snorted. " _Was_. He was." But... But? But I wasn't to him? But it doesn't matter anymore? But- "But he's dead now. That's a one time thing. You don't get to come back," he said sourly.

Thank fuck Jacobi's mom knew when to change the subject. "Are you doing okay otherwise? You don't need any money, anything? You're not doing drugs, are you?" she asked, giving Jacobi a wary look. Jacobi had half a mind to start laughing. Him! Doing drugs! Ha! Yeah right. Kepler would have actually killed him. Maxwell would have gutted him. Don't do drugs, kids.

Instead, Jacobi downed the last sip of his coffee and and shook his head. "No. No, I'm not okay. No, I don't need money and no, I'm not doing drugs." His mom nodded. "Is that everything you want to know?" Jacobi asked.

_"Yes, Mr. Jacobi, that will be all," Kepler said, folding his hands on the desk in front of him._

His mom nodded again. "For now. If you ever want to talk more, just let me know." Of course. He'd let her know in the form of a two a.m. phone call full of tears. Jacobi reached over the table and patted her arm. "Alright. If you'll excuse me, I have to get going," Jacobi said with a smile as he stood up out if the flimsy chair and grabbed his bag from the ground. His mom stood up and walked over to give him a hug.

"Going where?" she asked. "Home, to make some Mac and cheese and cry about a man with green eyes," Jacobi mumbled into her shoulder. He half hoped she wouldn't hear.

He got a small laugh out of his mom at that. "Cryptic, but okay. I won't pry. Stay safe, I love you," she said. Cryptic. As if Jacobi knew anything about being cryptic. He had nothing on Kepler. That man could talk for hours and Jacobi would only understand ten words. "Love you too," Jacobi said, but his heart wasn't in it.

His heart wasn't in most things these days. As Jacobi walked down the sweet to the bus stop, he rummaged around in the dumpster fire that was his bag in search of his phone. He felt his fingers brush the braided electrical wire bracelet Maxwell had made for him too many years ago. He pulled out his earbuds, a brand new pair, and plunged his hand back in. How hard could it be to find a goddamn phone?

Jacobi slumped down on a bench at the bus stop and considered straight up dumping the contents of his bag on the ground right there. Then his fingers closed around a small, cold object and he threw that idea out the window.

It was a ring. More specifically a ring that Kepler had worn for years. One day he lost it. It clattered to the ground, a sound that went unheard among the shouts of frantic Goddard personnel. Jacobi had been there, wading through the throngs of people and he caught sight of a glittering something on the ground. A simple silver band with a small purplish gemstone inlaid in it.

It was a pretty ring. He knew that from all the time he spent staring at it on Kepler's hand. He never gave the ring back, never told Kepler he found it. It was Jacobi's now. A bitter reminder of what _was_. Too bad it didn't fit on any of his fingers or he would've worn it. Stupid Kepler and his stupid enormous beautiful hands.

Jacobi turned the ring over in his fingers, admiring the tiny gem and the thin letters on the inside of the band. 'WJK'. Those initials would forever have a place in Jacobi's mind along with the scarf he owned with 'ASM' stitched on the end. The six most important letters to him. And he lost every single one.

Jacobi had forgotten all about finding his phone. He sat at the bus stop with his earbuds slung around his neck clutching a length of multi-colored wire and a silver ring. He probably looked pathetic and honestly, that was fine. He felt pretty damn pathetic. A man who's nothing without someone else.

Jacobi almost didn't notice the sound of footsteps and the heavy weight on the bench next to him. It was the voice that shocked him out of his thoughts. "Pretty ring. Alexandrite, isn't it?" That voice. He'd heard it so many times he was sure he'd never forget it as long as he lived. A voice that sounded casual yet firm, a slight accent like honey and lemon, putting emphasis on all the wrong syllables. A voice that could make him do anything.

Jacobi dropped the ring. It hit the sidewalk and a tiny sound rang out as his vision blurred. It couldn't be. No way in hell. He slid as far away from Warren Kepler as he could and didn't give in. His hands itched but he didn't reach out and touch him.

"Oh good, I'm seeing ghosts now," he choked out. His tongue felt heavy, the words tasted like metal. He didn't blink, he was so afraid Kepler would dissapear if he did. All he did was stare and wait. The ghost did the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, start another series? _Never._
> 
> Don't forget to leave a comment, they mean the world to me! ❤❤❤


	2. Aquamarine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aquamarine: The color of the star when it turns blue. The color of an absence and a return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: It's the real thing now eveybodyyyyyyy!
> 
> Lots of texts in this one, y'all. I just really wanted to use a work skin. I'm trying out a lot of new stuff with this fic, tell me what you think in the comments! ❤❤❤

Daniel Jacobi lived in a small apartment with two other people who were rarely ever home. He could walk around in boxer shorts and his favorite purple socks and not give a damn. He could make unholy amounts of homemade Mac and Cheese and not have to share.

He could slam the door shut and lean against it, breathing heavily, because he had just run all the way from the bus stop and up four flights of stairs fleeing from a ghost. Jacobi pressed his palms to his temples and took six long, steadying breaths. He dropped his bag to the ground and fell beside it. His hands were shaking.

_Back up._

Jacobi was at the bus stop downtown. He was reminiscing about the time he stole a personal item from his commanding officer years ago. The bus pulled up right in front of him and he nearly missed it because Warren Kepler showed up and decided to act as if he wasn't dead.

Jacobi was losing his mind. He knew he should have gone to those therapy sessions his mom suggested. Now he felt like an idiot because he was imagining things. Why couldn't he have imagined Maxwell? That would have been nice. But no, it _had_ to be Kepler.

Jacobi shook himself a few times and stood up. He kicked off his shoes, picked up his bag and shuffled down the hall to his room to throw all his clothes in the laundry and do nothing for the rest of the day. His heart was still hammering in his ears. Six months of physical therapy and he wasn't exactly in shape yet. Space did that to you. Microgravity and all that. He had probably been briefed on it.

Once Jacobi had dumped everything in his bag onto his bed and successfully wrestled his limbs into a yellow sweater that said 'Hacker Babe', he hauled himself into the kitchen and started a pot of water to boil. He felt like he was floating. Jacobi knew that feeling, he had spent months weightless in the darkness. It was like that. There was no up or down, everything felt sluggish and strangely muffled.

He wanted to faint. It all felt surreal. Saving the whole planet, landing back on Earth, being pampered for a few weeks because he was too weak to stand, coming to terms with being an unsung hero. Finding a job, a place to stay. Essentially restarting his life. Quitting Goddard. Contacting his mom. Meeting up with her, spilling everything and- seeing Kepler.

That was it. It was that moment when everything started to blur. He didn't want to believe it because it was too good to be true. When Jacobi got his hopes up, they tended to get squashed immediately. Like when he thought he was going to be promoted and finally get out of the hellhole that was SI-5 and it turned out Daniel Jacob had gotten it instead. Daniel Jacob had two first names and he spent too much time chatting up Rachel Young.

The water on the stove was boiling now and Jacobi added more pasta than he could eat in the afternoon. He crossed his arms and leaned against the counter, watching the pasta and the giant bubbles in the pot. Should he grate more cheese? Jacobi glanced over at the plate of cheese. No, he had enough. Wait, had he checked to see if they had cream? Jacobi opened up the fridge ~~slow and sluggish and surreal~~ and sighed. Yep. They had cream.

Wait.

What was that sound? Jacobi wished he could pull the cotton out of his ears, wished he could stop feeling like he was going to faint. It sounded like his heart was still beating loudly in his ears but when he put a hand to his chest it was quiet and peaceful and still working, thank god.

Wait.

The sound had stopped. Good.

Wait again. Now his phone was ringing.

Jacobi looked at the pasta, still not ready and dragged his floating body back into his bedroom to get his phone. 'One Missed Call' his phone said. 'One New Message' it also said. Jacobi groaned. Was he getting spam calls already? The only person who knew his number was his mom and his boss.

Back in the kitchen, the pasta was almost ready. It was too hot in the kitchen so he opened a window and looked back at his phone. It was silent, screen off. Jacobi set it down on the countertop. It lit up, his annoying default ringtone grating in his cotton-filled ears. 'Unknown Number' his phone said. Jacobi answered.

"Mr. Jacobi! In a hurry, were you?" Kepler's voice said, clear as day. Jacobi hung up and slammed his phone back on the countertop. He winced, picked it back up and made sure he hadn't cracked the screen. It was okay. He was okay.

Except that he wasn't and Kepler would leave him alone and he somehow knew Jacobi's number and he _wasn't dead?_ None of it seemed right. Kepler wasn't the one who followed Jacobi around. It was the other way around. The man and his obedient ballistics expert. Classic duo. Kepler shouldn't know his number, it was a new phone. Kepler shouldn't be alive, fucking Rachel shoved him out an airlock.

Jacobi didn't like how thinking about Kepler made the surreal feeling worse. His hands started shaking so much he almost couldn't drain the pot and add the enormous amounts of cheese. His head was full of static, his stomach full of butterflies and his heart was full of tears. No room for anything else. He couldn't even remember his favorite song.

Jacobi stirred his Mac and Cheese idly and tried his hardest to ignore the constant vibrating of his phone on the countertop. Kepler wouldn't give up, would he? Jacobi managed to get through the next five minutes and soon, his Mac and Cheese was done and he was sitting on his couch with his phone on mute scrolling through shitty cable TV.

He stuffed a spoonful of Mac in his mouth and glanced down at the constantly lit up screen of his phone. The most recent texts were single words:

**Kepler:** Jacobi  
  
**Kepler:** Open  
  
**Kepler:** Now  
  


Kepler wasn't stupid. He knew that sooner or later Jacobi would crack and he would be forced to reply. Joke's on him, Jacobi had cracked a long time ago. He had cracked the second Minkowski put a bullet in Maxwell's head. There wasn't much more in him to break. That's what made it all the more irritating when the texts kept coming.

Jacobi, after an episode of Mythbusters, got up to put the rest of his Mac and Cheese in a container and save it for later. When he got back to the warm couch and tucked his purple sock-clad feet underneath himself, Kepler had sent only one more message:

**Kepler:** Please.  
  


Jacobi almost choked on the glass of water he held to his lips. He stared at the message until his vision wavered. Kepler _never_ said please. He didn't have to, because Jacobi would always do whatever he asked without being told twice. Also because he was Jacobi's commanding officer and he shouldn't have to say please.

Jacobi downed the rest of his water and took a blanket with him as he hopped over the back of the couch and towards the front door. Without pausing, he sat down on the floor and sat with his back against the door. He opened up Kepler's message thread and prepared hi self with a few deep breaths.

**Jacobi:** what  
  
**Kepler:** Took you long enough to reply, Jacobi.  
  
**Jacobi:** i was ignoring you for a reason  
  


Jacobi could almost feel Kepler's laughter against the door. _He must be leaning against it too,_ Jacobi thought idly. He wanted to hear it properly again, without a flimsy door between them.

No.

What was he thinking? Kepler was dead and he was terrible. He was terrible to Jacobi. They were both terrible to each other. What right did he have to-

**Kepler:** Open the door.  
  
**Jacobi:** no way in hell  
  
**Kepler:** I have to talk to you.  
  
**Jacobi:** if thats the case when has a simple door ever stopped you?  
  
**Jacobi:** i want to eat my mac and cheese in peace  
  
**Jacobi:** i dont want to talk to a dead man  
  


Yeah. That was better. Jacobi had always been good at masking his feelings with indifference or obviously fake annoyance. Kepler saw right through it, he was sure. Maxwell did too, he could never hide anything from her.

**Kepler:** I'm not dead, you know.  
  
**Jacobi:** oh i know. i just don't want to see you  
  
**Kepler:** Wait, can I get some Mac and Cheese?  
  
**Jacobi:** no  
  
**Kepler:** Why not? Don't you always make too much?  
  
**Jacobi:** didnt you say you had something to tell me?  
  
**Kepler:** I need to say it face to face.  
  


Oh. That's new. 


	3. Olivine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivine: The color of his eyes. The color of familiarity and letting one's thoughts wander.

Jacobi stood gripping the open door and ignored the hot tears streaming down his cheeks. Kepler stared down at him, his green eyes soft yet still terrifying and he was smiling. It was a different smile, one Jacobi had never seen before.

"Surprise," Kepler said, spreading out his arms as if to show that he was real. Jacobi dropped his phone on the ground and curls boy his hands into tight fists. "No," he spat. "You don't get to do this!" Jacobi threw his fist forward and landed a punch between Kepler's ribs. Kepler gasped and stumbled backwards, putting a hand to his chest. Well, Jacobi's PT had paid off.

Kepler leaned over and took a second to get the air back in his lungs and glanced up at Jacobi, his shoulders pulled close, his arms up defensively. He wouldn't hesitate to give Kepler a black eye. Kepler opened his mouth slowly. "Well, that was-"

"What right do you have to waltz back into my life?" Jacobi cut him off. "I was doing _fine_. I was feeling better. I got my life back together and I moved on, for fuck's sake!" he shouted, throwing his hands up. Kepler stood back up and smoothed out his wrinkled shirt. "Good for you," he said. Jacobi glared at him. He was being insincere.

"I'm happy for you. You deserve a nicer life that what SI-5 gave you," Kepler continued. "And you have every right to punch my sternum and yell at me at the top of your lungs but I came here for a reason." Of course. Of course he did. He said so in their texts. The whole reason he came by was to-

Kepler was wearing his ring again. He must have picked it up off the sidewalk where Jacobi had dropped it because he was terrified. Kepler was wearing it on his left ring finger. His left hand was fake. Dr. Pryce's high-tech cyborg weirdness. The silver and purple ring looked odd against the gunmetal gray of Kepler's new hand.

"Jacobi."

Jacobi tore his eyes away from Kepler's hand and up to his face again. He couldn't look right into his eyes, he'd get lost in them and never come back, so he chose the mysterious scar then ran through the right side of Kepler's mouth. "Jacobi, stop crying," Kepler was saying. He voice didn't sound the same. It was much too soft, had too much emotion. Jacobi wiped his face clumsily with his sweater sleeve.

Kepler waited while he searched for something, anything to say. He had so much to ask, so much to shout but if he opened his mouth they'd all come out a the same time. ~~"I don't want you to- Why are you- How can you just-Please don't be-"~~

"How?" Jacobi asked. He didn't elaborate. Kepler knew. He should know. It was literally the only important thing. Kepler crossed his arms. "How did I survive?" he guessed. "Well, long story short, I have a great singing voice," he said with a smile. That smile was much more like the ones Jacobi was used to.

"But the long version isn't something I'd like the whole building to hear, Jacobi," Kepler said, leaning closer and raising his eyebrows. Ah, of course. He wanted to come in. _You're not a Vampire, Kepler,_ Jacobi thought to himself. He didn't say it out loud, he was still pissed off. Too pissed off to make a joke. So he just stepped out of the way and let Kepler through.

Kepler picked Jacobi's phone up off the floor and closed the door behind him. A quick glance around the apartment to check for exits and then Jacobi's phone was back in his hand and Kepler was taking off his shoes (so polite). Jacobi watched, the floating feeling in his stomach getting worse with every second. Kepler eyed him warily. "Are you good, Jacobi?" he asked.

Jacobi gripped his phone more tightly to stop his hands from shaking and shook his head. "No. No I'm not. I'm not good and I haven't been since Alana died. And I became even less good when I learned that Rachel Young murdered you. And then I found a job and called my mom and neither of you were my first priority anymore."

Kepler took a step towards Jacobi with his hands out. Jacobi stepped back and hit the back of the couch. "And I am so _not_ good with you being here right now. I don't want to see you because you're making me feel like I'm going to pass out and the worst part-" Jacobi's voice caught.

"The worst part is it isn't fair," he finished. Kepler stopped. He dropped his hands and gave Jacobi an unreadable stare. "Why not? What isn't fair?" he asked. Jacobi watched Kepler flex his fingers and that somehow made the feeling worse. "It- it isn't fair because you get to come back and she doesn't."

Kepler nodded slowly, backed away from Jacobi. Jacobi stayed where he was. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his hands and stayed flush against the couch. Kepler wordlessly headed towards the door. Jacobi didn't stop him, not even when he closed it behind him and left his shoes.

A moment later, Jacobi's tears came back and he didn't stop them. It was worse than when he'd felt real grass again, worse then when he'd seen his mom. He was falling apart and no one could help put him back together. Jacobi vaguely processed the door opening again the two different voices, not Kepler's, speaking to him.

"Daniel, go to bed, you're tired."  
"What happened, man, are you okay?"  
"Who's that tall guy outside our door?"  
"Did he do something? Do I need to beat him up?"  
"Seriously, I'm going to drag you to bed if you don't go yourself."

His roommates always treated him like he was glass ever since they figured out what had happened to him. "Oh, poor Daniel Jacobi, he almost died in space and a lot of people did around him. He must be so lonely. He must be _fragile_ now." What kind of reasoning was that? And when they were being so delicate with him not one single hand landed on his shoulder comfortingly. Not a single touch because- well, he didn't even know why.

Jacobi really needed a hug.

He could call his mom and she would be over in a second. His mom gave great hugs. She was a mom, of course she did. Jacobi let himself be led to his room and he shut the door to drown out the pitying comments. He didn't want to listen to it.

_"You don't have the luxury of grieving, Mr. Jacobi. Death is a tragedy, but you can't let that affect your work." ___

Yeah, well, he didn't work for Goddard anymore. He could grieve as much as he wanted to. It was sorely overdue anyway. He needed to cry for his best friend who died because she was doing her job. He needed to make sure he never forgot. So he downloaded her favorite music, he bought her favorite sweater and he thought about her every day.

He needed to cry for his commanding officer who died and then came back just because he fucking could. Jacobi's phone lit up once, twice, five times. He looked down, still sluggish, and read.

**Kepler:** The moment Rachel opened the exterior airlock door I knew I didn't want to die.  
  
**Kepler:** I thought I was ready, but I guess I couldn't live without you.  
  
**Kepler:** I pleaded with the Dear Listeners with my last breath. Maybe they took pity on me.  
  
**Kepler:** Either way, I found out where Officer Eiffel went.  
  
**Kepler:** And I spent five months teaching them how to sing.  
  


Jacobi stared, unblinking, at his phone. Kepler- he couldn't live without him? Was that a joke? The truth? Something in between? Jacobi's hands were still shaking as he slowly typed a reply.

**Jacobi:** get in here  
  


He heard the door to his apartment open quickly and the unmistakable confident steps of Warren Kepler as he strode towards Jacobi's room. He heard his roommates shouting, something about 'what are you doing in here?' and Kepler replied with "Daniel needs to see me." Kepler didn't use his first name often. It was weird.

"So?" Kepler asked once Jacobi's door was closed again. He didn't ask it in his usual demanding tone. "What is wrong with you?" Jacobi rebutted. Kepler cocked his head to the side. "I don't know what you mean." He walked farther into the room and stopped infringe of Jacobi, seated on his bed.

"You never say please. Not to me. You certainly don't smile at me the way you did and- and what was this?" Jacobi waved his phone about. "About not being able to live without me?" He paused, eyes going wide. "Wait. Don't tell me you're one of those alien copies!" he shouted. Kepler threw his head back and laughed. "What? Of course I'm not. I have all my memories, I'm not going to come back if you shoot me-"

"Care to test that theory?" Jacobi muttered. Kepler took two steps forward and caught Jacobi's wrist. "Would you really?" he asked testily. Jacobi didn't move. Didn't speak. "Then how do I know you're real?" he wondered. Kepler shrugged. "I said I had all my memories, didn't I?"

Jacobi gave him that open look that always meant 'go on' and Kepler took a step back again and crossed his arms. "It took you two years to come out as transgender after you started at SI-5 You came into my office and told me to stop calling you 'she.""

_Jacobi slowly turned the knob and pushed open the door to Kepler's office. He was greeted by a curious yet borderline irritated Colonel and didn't even wait for him to ask why Jacobi was there before he blurted out "Stop calling me 'she." I'm- I'm not... I'm a guy." Jacobi's hands were shaking so much he almost could even grip the doorknob on his way out. Kepler never made that mistake again._

"You love carrot cake. You refuse to eat anything else."

_"What's that?" Jacobi asked. He sat down next to Alana Maxwell at an outdoor table and pointed to something on her lunch plate. "Cake," Maxwell said, her mouth already full of it. Jacobi's eyes lit up. "Oh," he said. "Is there carrot?" he asked, glancing back towards the door. Maxwell smirked. "There's one slice left. Be quick though, I saw Kepler eyeing it," she said. Jacobi jumped up from his seat and ran back inside, slamming the door as he went. Maxwell waited patiently until Jacobi came back out looking dejected and mumbling "he's got such massive hands, Alana." Jacobi did not get his cake._

"When we went on that mission to Montana, I learned you're deathly afraid of ducks and I wish that I hadn't made fun of that so much. Phobias are irrational. I get it."

_Jacobi wrapped himself in his sleeping bag and covered his ears, shouting "Stop it! Stop it, it's not funny!" Kepler stopped making duck noises once Jacobi began hyperventilating._

"I know you had my ring. I know you tried it on all your fingers and wished that it would fit."

_Jacobi's lab was all the way across the building. No one ever ventured that far so why would he bother closing the door? Kepler watched silently as Jacobi turned his Alexandrite ring over in his fingers and slipped it on every single one, mumbling irritably after every try._

"And I can't live without you because I'm trying to be better and you're more human than I ever was," Kepler said. Jacobi was stunned. He really must the real Kepler, right? " _I'm_ more human than you? That must really say something because I was a heartless bastard that would blow people up without a second thought. Still am," Jacobi said.

"I want to be different," Kepler started but Jacobi held up his hand. "No. Nope. Let's please unpack your innumerable humanity issues some other time. I believe you were telling me how you _didn't die?_ " Jacobi said. Kepler let out a small laugh and shook his head almost fondly.

"Of course."


	4. Citrine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Citrine: The color of waiting just long enough. The color of needing and wanting and not always getting.

Warren Kepler had spent five months in a star teaching an alien how to sing. He had spent five months thinking that it couldn't end fast enough. Five months thinking about Earth, about home and about Jacobi. Thinking about all the ways he could make himself better. Not because Jacobi would want that, not because he was 'finally freed' from Goddard's shackles, no. Because he wanted to be better. He wanted it for _himself_.

"And now I'm here. Took me a while to figure out where you'd fucked off to but I have my ways," Kepler finished, furnishing his words with a ghost of a smirk. Jacobi stared at him, his eyes glassy, and blinked once. "Kepler," Jacobi stared. "Ah ah ah, no last names, please," Kepler said. Jacobi crossed his arms. "Okay, Warren. You want to be better? Then go," Jacobi said.

Kepler sat back on his feet and narrowed his eyes. "What now?" he asked. Jacobi lifted his chin. you heard me. Being better means not being such a dick to those around you. Listen to them. Respect them." He looked down at Kepler, sitting at the foot of his bed. "I'm glad, in a weird weightless way, that you're not dead. But honestly, I don't want you here yet. Maybe someday." Kepler opened his mouth to speak.

"Not today, though," Jacobi continued. "I don't want to deal with you. I need to deal with me first. You should too, be better. I- definitly someday. Someday soon. But I just want you to go for now." Jacobi went silent. That was more than he'd said in a long time. Kepler didn't move. "Go before I start crying again, I know you hate that," Jacobi mumbled. "I need to be alone. I need-" He needed a hug. He really did.

Kepler stood up slowly, started to leave. He looked almost disappointed. Jacobi couldn't let him go like that. He could. No, he couldn't. Kepler was tall and muscular and would probably be really nice to hug but Jacobi wouldn't know because Kepler had never hugged him before. Just one. Just a small hug to make him feel better. It wouldn't be a big deal.

He _really_ needed this.

Jacobi jumped off his bed and crossed the room in two well-placed steps, blocking Kepler's primary exit with his substantially shorter body. Kepler silently raised the question 'what the hell?' Jacobi responded by nearly tackling him with the tightest hug he could manage. Jacobi's arms just barely wrapped all the way around Kepler's chest and he could feel his steady heartbeat right against his ear.

"Jacobi?" Kepler breathed. "No last names," Jacobi mumbled. Kepler sighed. "Daniel." The name sounded lovely to Jacobi. He had always liked the name, but it was unnatural on the lips of everyone else. "Daniel, you're giving me mixed signals," Kepler said. Jacobi didn't move. "I know," he whispered. "I dont know what I want anymore," he admitted. "I can't make up my mind so I'm buying myself some time."

Kepler shifted, reached around and grabbed both Jacobi's hands. "You can have all the time you want, Daniel. I won't go far," he said. It sounded like a promise. "You can always call me, after all." Jacobi let go of Kepler slowly and backed away from the door. He couldn't think of anything to say. Kepler had never been one for unnecessary words, though, so he simply watched as Kepler sent him a smile and closed the door softly on his way out. Jacobi waited three heartbeats before lowering himself to the floor.

All the time he wanted, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave a comment, they mean so much to me! ❤❤❤


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